and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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