You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
