if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
