Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
