No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
