He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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