We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize