So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
