My girlfriend figured out who you are.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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