hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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