She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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