You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
