this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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