i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
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