I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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