Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
What a dumb baby whore.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
When are your genitals available?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
