omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
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Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
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