Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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