Me too!
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
