I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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