His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Of course I have a pirate flag
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
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