i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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