i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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