I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
