I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night