My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
