Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
