Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
