i don't like sucking hair
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
