I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
