There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
