3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Then you guys just all showered together...?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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