I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
this is an emotional support booty call
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
