just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
