the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
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You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
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Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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