she woke up with a sticky ear
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
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There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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