What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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