A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
