This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
