So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
