I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
