at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
