fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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