He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
