you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
We need to get me chipped asap
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