I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
