i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
