Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
