Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
