Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
