i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Randomize
