i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
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