i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
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