flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
