We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
MIDGETS
????
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
