I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
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