he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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