Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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