I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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