I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Randomize
